I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
