There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
