And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
