I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
