Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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