This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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