i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
