my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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