The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
