What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
