I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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