i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We're too hungover to prance.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
