Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
