then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize