i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
