I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
