Tell her she can't have a vagina
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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