I CAN MOONWALK!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
