Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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