remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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