I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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