Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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