guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
