The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
