Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
