Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
