I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
