peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.Â
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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