woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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