I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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