i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
