Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
