Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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