Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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