I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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