Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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