What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
