Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
