i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
