I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
