I accidentally burped into my bong.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
