i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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