she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
