it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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