Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
