Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
