So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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