last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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