4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
