Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize