Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
