Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
