cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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