I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
