I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I supernannyed him into submission
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
