Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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