I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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