so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
