i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
operation harelip BJ is a go
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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