we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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