Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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