I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize