Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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